Good morning all!
Since the entire world is blogging about elections, here’s my contribution.
Obama. Woo Hoo. Now let’s move on.
Occasionally, it is necessary to review where I stand in the world. I like to check in with my own mind, and just see how we’re getting on – it’s certainly a good tool for keeping me from falling into an old way of thinking.
This morning, a friend wrote to me, challenging me on a number of things I wrote in yesterday’s entry, and, during the course of my reply, I inadvertently wrote a huge essay on who and where I am in the world. I was going to write something completely different this morning, but instead I present to you my reply.
‘Where I Am In The World, 5th November 2008’
Dear friend,
Thanks for the comments – any feedback, negative, positive, or somewhere in between are always welcome.
Please bear in mind that the vast majority of what I write and say is very much with ‘tongue in cheek’. The idea that I might ‘big myself up’ or something to that effect isn’t the case at all – I’m genuinely a very down to earth, balanced sort of fellow. I know it often doesn’t appear that way - especially if I mention how much the house I live in is worth. To me, it was just to highlight a point, and it might be because I am occasionally oblivious to how I come across that I didn’t realise someone might find it vulgar.
That said, as I have always maintained, this blog is predominantly for me, and that’s what I felt like writing at the time.
It sounds to me like you’re reading too much into what I felt for Alex, or anything related to that. Honestly, we went out on a couple of dates, I liked her, but it came to nothing, and I’m fine with that. I genuinely did find it amusing that after 3 dates, she was thinking of marriage potential, but a lot of that was based on it being almost precisely the way I used to feel, and I can fully appreciate/understand the pressure and insecurity, if that’s what it is, she must be putting herself under. If she would have just said ‘look, I’ve been thinking about it, and I don’t want to see you anymore’ my response would have been ‘OK’. It was the non-published subsequent email conversation where she proceeded to lecture me about love, life, marriage and everything in between that led me to deduce that her desperate justification for something so minor was a clear demonstration of what she was feeling.
Much came of my conversation with my friend, who explained to me (and being married to a 31 year old Jewish girl with a boatload of single friends, he knows pretty well) that Jewish women of a certain age get marriage-fever. And baby fever. And they tend to have a certain expectation of quality of life they deserve and expect. Of course it’s their shit, and not mine, but I am absolutely able to choose to partake in dating someone like that. I might make a joke or two about ‘crazy Jewish bitches’, but my point was more to do with dating women of a certain age and certain mindset, and how I realise that its just not for me right now. In that respect, I suppose I am actually very much like Alex. Just with opposite intentions.
My attitudes to relationships have very much changed since I did Hoffman. I was completely honest with Alex from day one, telling her about Hoffman and what preceded it. In some respects, I suppose that was probably TOO honest, if anything, but I prefer that than the web of lies I used to spin.
I appreciate what you say about the flip side of the coin – asking me if I would I date someone with an even more sordid past than my own, and, of course, I would. But it’s very easy for me to say that, since I am relying on any potential partner being non-judgemental, something someone who has been in a similar situation is more likely to be. I can tell you from experience that the vast majority of people who have led a life where they have avoided excess like drugs or something similar do not know how to deal with even the concept of it, no matter how far in the past it might be. It understandably makes a number of people uncomfortable.
I don’t know if I have blogged about it, but in recent months, it has become clear to me that I still have a lot of work to do in regards to women and sex. I still have a lot of anger towards my mother, who, to be honest, I am not even sure I like let alone love, and this certainly transfers into my relationships with women, friend or otherwise.
The way I am going about life remains the same, though I can appreciate that should I write my blog in a certain mood, it does not always appear that way. Recently, I have been struggling quite badly with my working life, with where I am living, and my inability to study, which is really troubling me right now. I am sure these frustrations are manifesting themselves in other ways, but ultimately, my heart remains in the right place, and I am working on those things which stand in the way of keeping me truly happy.
I have decided to try (and I stress, try) to take a break from the dating game completely for a while. I have enough other stuff going on, and, being very much aware these days that I have historically used my relationships – disposable or otherwise - as an expression of anxiety, insecurity or plain old distraction, I am going to attempt to face these things head on.
I am sorry you feel the blog left a bitter taste in your mouth - the last thing I’d ever want to do is upset a friend – but I will not apologise for what I write in my blog. Whether I ever read it back and feel like it doesn’t represent the real me, or if someone gets upset by something I write, and I try and read it from their point of view is, again, for me. I tend to try and right any wrongs in subsequent blogs.
Like I said, I always appreciate your comments, and equally appreciate that you’re not afraid to challenge me if you feel I am being a prick/not being honest with myself/falling in to some old patterns.
If you have any other thoughts, I’ll gladly listen to them.
And that pretty much sums it up.
I wish you all a wonderful day.
All the love in the world,
Closed Box
