Back, And To The Future

July 13, 2008

Back, and to the future...

Back, and to the future...

To Ben, to Claire, to Dom (not a…), to Jacqui and Jackie, to Lucy and l’il kicker, to Mary, to Patti, to the biggest Celia there ever was, to Constance, to the Davids, to Graeme, to Big John Apache Leader, to Marcus (the bravest man I know), to Mike, to Todd, to Christopher, to Denise, to Lil, to Marion (see you in Jersey soon!), to The Fonz, to Zein. To Eliza, to Simon, Mairi and to Gabi. And lastly, I guess, to Bob. This one’s for you…





The sun is setting on the first chapter of a glorious adventure.


Somewhere across the country, 23 people I am proud to call my brothers and sisters are going about their lives in much the same way as they did 8 days ago. These men and women are, like me, food shopping, doing laundry, talking to friends and relatives or just staring into space. But something has changed. Something they could not and would not want to explain.


23 people have their eyes slightly more open. 23 people have seen inside themselves and though, at first, what they say filled them with self-loathing, or fear, or emotion, they have fought and conquered these demons, and emerged giants of the human race, each one. Though the world keeps turning and does as it will, the world of these few individuals are brighter – like the days and weeks and months before that preceded it were but a dream.


I want this blog to examine the world I have entered, not the one I have left, so I will say no more of what has passed. I will just say that I love you all, and it is a tremendous honour to have had the privilege of witnessing your journeys into your true selves. Though our paths may have (temporarily) gone in their own directions, I cannot weep for parting. Each of you are very much present in my heart.


Sunday morning, 9.15am. I am struggling with silence. Though I am sure this will surprise very few of the people who read this, it is not my own lack of words I lament. It is yours. Last night, I fell asleep with the post-process CDs playing. (Sadly, yes, I have already put them on my iPod)


Today is the first day after the completion of my masterpiece. Yesterday, I left Florence House to the usual parade of waving and hugs and was struck by just how unemotional it was. It was horrible to have to say goodbye, and yes, I felt lonely, of course I did, but I felt a great calm – like my Spiritual Self had his arm around me. As the car made its way through fields and roads, I could do little else than read through my process folder, or admire the outside world. I was home in the blink of an eye.


As the car approached my parents house, I felt terribly anxious. What were they going to say? Was I actually as happy as I thought? Am I too happy, and it comes across as false? These thoughts rolled over in my mind one after the other, but instead of panicking, or swallowing the fear, I closed my eyes. Breathed. I saw the dark side on my shoulder. I ripped, and dumped.




I entered the house to the same air-kiss my mother had always given me, and manfully fought the usual pattern of resentment I normally go into. My entire family were gathered there – my mother, my step father, my sister and my brother.


Each one of my masterpieces went as I had hoped. The tears flowed, and as the hugs and the talks passed, I realised – the power IS mine. In telling them I loved them, my parents had heard all the words they had wished they could say to me, and their parents had been able to say to them. My mother hugged me. My father hugged me. My sister, a Hoffman graduate, looked so pleased to be reminded of her own experiences. (I should point out that so bad was my ‘zoning out’ over the last few years that my sister actually did her course 3 years ago, not the 1 year I seemed to think) My little brother, a great macho kid of 17, cried, and confessed that he had always wanted a brother, but since his mum didn’t know how to reach out to him, he had no idea how to do likewise. 2 hours later, I left the house to ready myself for my 2 days of ‘me time’.


It was then that I realised the importance of ‘The Masterpiece’. Not only was it the culmination of a lifetime’s work squeezed into a week, but it is an equaliser. In the previous 24 hours after the process had completed, I had been swinging between feeling high as a kite to the depths of loneliness and despair, but as I left the house, I felt calm. Not high, not low – just a feeling of peace.


The real world comes at you pretty fast. And life pretty much continues as before. But there are little changes you notice in yourself that make you think ‘oh’, and you afford yourself a wry smile. Maybe you look someone in the eye, or share some laughter. Maybe, like me, you do things you’ve always thought of doing but for some reason never did – I bought one of those god-awful re-usable bags from Tesco, something I had always meant to do, but for some reason didn’t. And I drive slower. I guess perhaps I’m not in as much of a rush as I once was.


My love to you all,

Closed Box.


7 Responses to “Back, And To The Future”

  1. Dominic Says:

    I can identify with the unemotional bit, it was like a wonderful anticlimax. Usually after any positive experience I would be hitting the bottom hard within hours but the calmness is reassuring.

    Liking the tesco bag thing. I bought RAC cover in a service station on the way home. My intellect smiled all the way back.

    Off to the Isle of Tiree in a few hours for a few weeks. Can’t wait. And yes, Marx is perhaps the bravest person I have ever met

  2. Todd Says:

    Hi David,

    I’m not blog savvy, but I have to say I think that you certainly have a literary skill that shows a great deal of creativity and compassion.

    I think I’ve picked up the cold as well, but I’m putting it down to the immune system having a dip after all the physical and emotional turmoil.

    I was in work yesterday, 9 to 5 and again today (without a lunch break) and I feel that I need to find a way of slowing down again, as I’m not happy with the frantic pace.

    Anyhow – I’ll have more time tomorrow and will spend some time tonight looking for a kite.

    Thank you for your support and help.


  3. David Loxham Says:

    Well done to David for starting the blog. Great to hear that the Hoffman effect is strong – long may that continue!

    I had a great short stay in London with a friend who understands, and then returned to the calm of my home patch. Monday was Bastille Day here, so work didn’t interfere with our reunion, and I have several more weeks before I go back to it…no envy patterns please!

    Still of course reliving the events in Florence House. I feel better balanced – the intellect is in check – and therefore stronger inside. My wife says I’m different, and is pleased!

    I am keeping you all in my thoughts.


    David Lo.

  4. Powerless and Afraid(less so) Says:

    Hi there,
    I am a hoffie graduate from february this year. It currently seems a lifetime ago. Im too tired to write anything substantial right now but i just wanted to thankyou for writing this blog and reminding me where i have been and going. I wish i had the balls to be honest online like you. My post process has been a roller coaster to say the least, a dilapidated wooden one at that, that creaks and groans. With the increase of self awareness has come with great responsibility, something i have been reluctant to own recently.

    Anyhow i appreciate your posts and your honesty at your description of life post process. I look forward to reading more of your posts.


  5. mssassyandi Says:

    I’m a recent graduate and stumbled across then when searching for a Hoffman course. While I did mine in the US, the lessons and what we learned is the same. I came home to the mess my patterns caused and have been working through it all. Since it appears to be many years since you’ve taken the process I would like to ask… Has it stuck with you? Do you still do things like check ins, recycling, hand over heart? I’m curious to see what happens years after.

  6. mssassyandi Says:

    I am a recent graduate, in US but we’ve all learned the same I’m sure. I’m curious to know after all these ears has it stuck with you? What you’ve learned, your patterns, do you still practices any of the exercises?

  7. backandtothefuture Says:

    Hi mssassyandi! I have to be honest and say that I don’t do any of the tools as such, but I definitely still do my own modified versions of them – although it has been quite some time since I was on my process!

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