Workin’ 9 to 5 (Well, 8 to 4, actually, but Dolly Parton didn’t sing about that)

July 15, 2008

Dear All,

 

I honestly thought today would be the day the walls come tumbling down, and the newly-built city of strength would crumble, and be revealed to be plasterboard painted like stone. Sorry about the rather laboured metaphor.

 

I thought today, the day I returned to work, would be the day when I would once again settle into a life of apathy and banality; that, as before, my work days would consist of trying to look like I was working while I played on the internet. I suppose, seeing as I am writing this blog at 10.45am, there is an argument for saying this is indeed so.

 

But the signs are good. Still no coffee, which is in itself a minor miracle, and I have a focus, drive and energy I have not known before. Slowly, the group are touching base, and it’s lovely to have a circle of friends I don’t feel like I am having to spin like plates on sticks at a circus. It was exhausting remembering all the lies, let alone maintaining them.  It is perhaps fitting that the wounds on my hands and the blisters on my palms are beginning to fade. My body is fixing itself.

 

I feel like the leaf from the hedge I picked just a few days ago. I am but the root, and bit by bit, I have the capability and the potential to reach out, to create new branches and leaves. In every landmark moment since I have returned to the real world – my ‘masterpiece’(s), the first time I was out with friends, even in my work – I have been left utterly astounded by the clarity and focus I have; by the balance and tranquillity I feel. But mostly, by the reactions. It is amazing how contagious this feeling of openness and warmth is. Every tear seems to breed another tear, every laugh raises one the same. In telling someone I love them, I seemed to have opened a doorway to so much – breaking down barriers as though they were made of paper, where before they were made of rock. I think back to just 10 days ago, and can’t believe what I was doing to myself all these years.

 

And I have decided to take advantage of my situation – a situation that finds me leaving my work at 4 in the afternoon, with an entire world in front of me. In times past, I would head straight home – race, in fact – preferring the sanctuary of the false security of being alone in my own comfort zone to the prospect of being in the ‘outside world’. But now, I feel as though the whole world is in front of me, and with the entire internet as my benevolent witness, (or all 16 of you, going by yesterday’s readership) I would like to add something to my ‘to do in the first month list’ – make the most of my gift of time.

 

To start, this evening, I shall walk to Trafalgar Square, sit down, and take in the magnificence of one of the world’s great cities. Maybe I’ll do a visualisation, maybe I’ll just people watch, but regardless, the days of ‘Running David’ are over. The box is open.

 

Until next time

Closed Box

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