July 17, 2008

So I finished ‘Catcher In The Rye’. Yes, it’s short. And yes, it’s got 2 page chapters or something, but darn it, I read the entire thing from start to finish in 24 hours and I feel damn good about it. It’s been a long, long time since I read a book and felt that connected to it. Next up, George Orwell’s ‘1984’, a book I have always intended to read, but have not as of yet done so. I have thus far managed to read what can only be described as an exhaustive introduction, on the tube this morning. This one will certainly present more of a challenge.


So yesterday, I was pretty unhappy. I mean, I owned it and all that jazz, but I was not in a particularly good way. For one thing, I was/am bored out of my fucking brains. I always was, in fairness, but in the old days – something I now remember washed in sepia, and told with a jolly piano soundtrack – I was just happy to be somewhere that asked nothing of me, and took the same right back.


They say no big decisions should be made in the first few months, and I can understand this. But what drew me to this job was that it was probably the only work I have ever found (and believe me, I’ve done more than my share) that paid well for doing nothing. This is employment purgatory, and though I will be trying manfully to stay with it until such a time when I think that any choice I make will be a considered one, I have a feeling that this will come sooner rather than later.  


Talking of which, two things have come up that I have to make decisions on fairly sharpish. The first is that I have to find somewhere to live. Where I live now was never suitable for my needs, and I think in a way, I was just trying to make a defiant point to my parents – ‘look at me! I can live in the middle of nowhere, by myself, and still function!’


I have to be out of where I am now by the end of next month at the absolute latest, and though I can go back to my parents for a short while, it is going to be very difficult to be on top of each other (as much as you can be on top of each other in a house like that) and maintain the progress we have most certainly begun. Fortunately, I have a fairly decent budget to work with, so here’s hoping it’s not too stressful.


And the other, frankly, I am having real dark side-like issues with. I have come to the conclusion that I would like to train as a counsellor. Even if it is not a chosen profession in the future, I think that doing the training in the meantime would be a wonderful thing. However, I probably have, with the school year starting in September, about a 6 week window in which to make a firm decision about doing this. This window, sadly, also needs to include the resolution of the huge message that says ‘STAY THE FUCK AWAY’ when my name is entered into the Open University database. More news on this as and when I get it.


But yesterday was noticeable for one reason particularly – the first real moment of pre-Hoffman behaviour since I have returned from the course.


I guess I started feeling a bit ‘off’ around mid-morning. I could feel a thumping in my chest, something I always used to get, and by lunchtime, as I sat down to Tim and The Hoffman Band play ‘Quadrinity Check In’, I was full-on distracted. By afternoon, I was in panic mode. I was more consciously aware of it than I was in my pre-process days, and I stopped myself retreating into the old comforts of self doubt, self sabotage, disappearing into a distraction or eating something with a extraordinary amount of sugar. Though it took me all afternoon, I worked with the feeling, and eventually, by the time I sat down to dinner, I felt back on track. In fact, this morning, I feel bloody marvellous, and if it wasn’t for a rancid Orange Juice from Marks and Spencers in Bond Street Underground Station, I’d be feeling even better.


From the sounds of it, a number of people on the process are finding that life doesn’t suddenly just ‘fix’ itself – that there are ongoing issues and problems, and that things rear their ugly little heads from time to time. What is different, by most accounts, is the way we deal with things. Having 23 new friends going through the same thing is an invaluable tool, too.


I guess in many ways, change is like addiction – you can decide to change or to quit, but the real fight is in maintaining it.


I’ve been Closed Box, and this has been your blog for the day.


Much love to all.


2 Responses to “Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes”

  1. Dominic Says:

    I definitely take a lot of heart from your comments about maintaining it. This was one of my viscious cycles/circles in days of yore and so I am slightly nervous about it. I think I need to re-engage in my post process work. Although I am on holiday, I think it is crucial to get on with it now to keep up momentum. Need to go through the Tool Box too, keep on reminiscing about visualisation or elevators I have done instead of continuing to use them in the present.

    Moving out = good. Job change = bad. Just my own thoughts on it though. I was the king of knee jerk reactions in times gone by so I read this thinking it could have been written by myself. Also, I think my own experiences and new behaviour need a long time to settle and mature into every day approaches which they are currently not. HOWEVER, we are obviously very different in all the best ways so if it’s right it’s right, only you can make that decision which I am sure will be the right one if you ask your two new helpers!


    PS. Got burnt today after surfing for hours in the blazing inner hebridean sun… now I know what my mandalas were really all about!

  2. sandworm Says:

    Kind of been going through a little of your stuff since I came across your name in a comment after mine…

    Neat stuff… If you want to read a book series that involves nothing but changes read ‘The Destroyer Series’… It’s been around since the 70’s and the whole story is centered around changing the main character’s life (Remo Williams) over decades of training… They are pulp fiction, fun, have tons of hilarious social commentary….

    Just based on the other things I’ve read thus far I think you’d dig them…

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