Lights, Camera, Actions!

July 25, 2008

Actions, they say, speak louder than words.


Dear blog readers,


Recently, I have been thinking about love.


Love, it really is quite a simple (and often, manipulative) thing to say – but something else entirely to actually show through actions.


If we take the example of our group of Hoffman graduates – these are 24 people who have been through a shared hell, and though they may not speak every day, there is an undeniable bond there – which some, myself included, would define as love. Though as I say, these people are not in constant contact, they are always present in the hearts and minds of those with whom they share this emotion, and, when the chips are down, they do not help out a feeling of duty – it is more a feeling of a collective status quo, and, should someone begin to lag, it is the collective love that will help restore the equilibrium.


I have just realised that actually, what I have described is the geese from Closure.


During Hoffman, we had many exercises revolving around love, all grounded in that same message – you can’t love/see someone/something until you love/see yourself.


And how many of us really know ourselves? Could we list our best qualities? Our worst? Could we point to individual actions of the conscious and unconscious mind? Could we identify when we are acting from our child or adult brains?


I remember one of the absolute worst definitions of love I ever heard. It was from a film – I forget which – and it was during a heated argument between a male character, and a female one. The female shouts at the man ‘real love only occurs when you’re willing to put that person’s well-being above your own.’ I used to think this was a great mantra by which to live, and for the longest time, I would roll this message around in my head, wondering why I couldn’t meet someone who I felt like that about. But the thing is, that statement, while it may be true in the loosest of senses, it is missing a vital part of the sentence – and that is that to truly love someone, you really need to love yourself first.


I keep thinking about that cartoon ‘Love is,’ a story of two naked 8 year olds who are married. (As Homer Simpson put it) When you think of it in that context, it’s almost worrying, but when you think about it as a metaphor – it is a cartoon of two naked, emotional selves, who are joined together by a great bond. I am sure some of my Hoffman readers can relate to that.


The problem is insecurity. Me – I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve told someone I’m in love with them. Most of the time, it was because I needed the validation of being told they loved me too. Fortunately (or, unfortunately) I have a long history of dating people who were equally as damaged as I was, and damaged relationships were the norm, but I suspect I am not the only person who has said something like this, or acted a certain way to either (a) hear it back, or (b) be rejected, so I can beat myself up about it.


I feel that quite often, those the most actively looking for love are those who lack it the most – whether we fall in and out of heated relationships because we subconsciously enjoy the drama, or we accept bad relationships because we, on a level, crave the attention. I was once this way, needing the constant high of being wanted – choosing a job where I was always wanted by someone for something, or deliberately failing at ones where I was left in isolation, so I could be spoken to; or constantly consuming people – sexually, in friendships, or talking online in a never ending, frenzied defence of my absolute terror of being alone with someone I hated. Myself.


But today, I am lucky – lucky in that I know myself, and know what I want. This, I think, allows me to be more able to give true love – hopefully, unconditionally, and hopefully, with compassion – and puts me more in touch with what ‘love’ means; at least to me. I am not scared to say it, (though those that know me will hardly be surprised by this) but, I love myself. It is not vanity, nor is it arrogance the way those words may suggest. It is that I recognise my best qualities, and I think they are good ones. I recognise that in myself, I have an unwavering desire to help others, and it is this which gives me most pleasure. For the first time in my life, I see in myself a person of fundamental good, and someone who can be a positive influence on my immediate surroundings. If seeing those things, and being able to love myself makes me arrogant, then I guess I’m arrogant.


You know, I just highlighted this entire thing with the intention of deleting it. The old dark side was back on my shoulder, telling me I was full of shit, that people would read this and think I’m an ass, (or worse) or that someone would get to the bottom and think either I’m trying to deliver a subliminal message to them individually, or think ‘what the fuck was that about/is he on?’


But, the purpose of this blog is to externalise – externalise the actual internal, not some quasi-poetic sideshow of a blog, designed to make people think I’m Moulin Rouge when I’m actually Annie Hall. This is how I am feeling today, and though it is a little disjointed, and not in the diary style I have fallen into on these blogs, I have decided to keep it.


I hope that all of you out there love yourselves, truly and wholly.


Arrogant it is not. Liberation is your reward.


Until next time, I hope all of you have a most wonderful of weekends


Lots of love,

Closed Box


2 Responses to “Lights, Camera, Actions!”

  1. Dominic Says:

    I saw another load of geese in formation yesterday while I was driving and it sent a huge wave through my whole body. I love that analogy but I love that feeling more. Very centering. Top marks for not deleting.

  2. Carrie Says:

    Beautifully said.

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