I Am Closed Box, And This Is The Longest Show I Have Ever Watched

August 15, 2008

Good Morning proud and good people, and welcome to ‘Back, and to The Future’ – the blog that dares suggest that Olympic Fencing should be for real, and the winner should be the last one standing.


I’m David, and I’ll be guiding you through this madness as we embark on yet another episode of my daily blog; a journey which takes us through all the thrills and spills of yelling ‘shotgun!’ in the middle of a crowded airport in order to reserve the last place in first class.


How are you all today? Feeling better about yourselves? Did you do the exercise? Not sure you had to be naked, Neil, but whatever works for you…


A special welcome to all the guests from other blogs reading this today – yesterday, in a fit of desperate (and I mean wondering-if-I-could-eat-my-own-foot levels of desperation) boredom, I had a proper explore of the website this blog is hosted on, WordPress, and read some other people’s work, left some comments, and generally poked around in other people’s business. If you’re reading this as a result of that activity – welcome!


I want to talk about this programme:



Now, I don’t watch TV. I just can’t fucking face the barrage of advertisements; the ‘be like me’ mentality of bullshit the world throws in your face. I don’t want to sound too preachy and like I’m jumping on my soapbox, but it’s this attitude which has fucked the world without as much as buying it dinner.


My father insisted I watch this show – a show he liked so much that he bought 6 seasons on DVD to watch them on planes – so I could let him know what I think. In the spirit of our new bonding, I have insisted the show is ‘fascinating’, ‘innovative’ and ‘thoroughly interesting’. The reality is slightly different, however.  


Anyway, I’m probably about three quarters of the way through the first season of this show, and I have to ask someone – please, tell me what the fucking fuss is about.


Here’s the story as I see it: Federal Agent Jack Bauer has risen to a fairy senior Government position, despite being generally despised by everyone, considered a loose cannon, and basically disobeying every order from every superior he has.


I can’t really be bothered to go through the whole process of describing the numerous kidnaps, plots to kill Senators, more kidnaps, and amnesia, but basically, everyone is dodgy, no-one needs sleep, and I am bored stiff.

I feel like the guys from the film ‘Clerks’, (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clerks) sitting around, discussing the plot holes, and anti-realworldism (yes, I just invented a phrase) of ‘Star Wars’.

Randall: My friend here is trying to tell me that any independent contractors who were working on the uncompleted death star were innocent victims when they were destroyed by the rebels.

Anyway, it’s a bad show. Not as bad as ‘Lost’, but bad nonetheless.

What are your weekend plans? The football season is finally back, which gives me an excuse to act like a man once a week, and I will be dedicating an extraordinary amount of time to that, as well as a family session of Guitar Hero – seriously, my sister is coming for dinner this evening, and there’s gonna be a ruckus! – possible lunch with my friend Ali, and the inevitable fight to remember the positives of the long process of reconnection, versus the occasional loneliness of  solitude.

This leaves me to wish you all a wonderful weekend ahead, and to Lucy – good luck on your last day. I hope you leave with a smile on your face.

Until either some point this weekend, or Monday

Lots of love,
Closed Box




One Response to “I Am Closed Box, And This Is The Longest Show I Have Ever Watched”

  1. Neil Manchester Says:

    Not naked? Why didn’t you say? The swimming pool attendant was really pissed off and claimed never to have heard of you (in Lochgilphead, surely not?), and the communal changing area cleared as if someone had shouted ‘shark!’. You need to be more specific with your instructions in future blogs.

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