Warning: Explict Content Which Makes Me Sound Like A Douchebag

September 16, 2008

Good morning readers!


You find me this morning wrestling with a bit of a conundrum.


You see, I have a date tonight.


First bit of honesty for the day: not everything I do goes into this blog. Sometimes, there are some things which put me in even worse light than I am already, and I leave them out, arguing that I can’t write endless diatribes about my sex life.


A few Fridays ago, I indulged myself in a little post-process hangover. Previous to my Hoffman course, I had begun ‘chatting up’ someone we’ll call… Moonshine Thunderbeam, through Facebook. You see, Moonshine Thunderbeam is actually the older sister of someone I used to be very good friends with in secondary school – here in England, the school you attend from ages 11-16/18 –had a bit of a crush on her ‘back in the day’.


I am sure I speak for all men, and you’ll have to forgive my honesty here, when I say that in a man’s eyes, sometimes there are people you know that you’d just LOVE to have sexual relations with. It happens, we’re men, we sometimes think with our dicks. Let’s move on. Moonshine Thunderbeam was one such person, for my sins.


Anyway, we had been talking through Facebook, and I, in the way I was back then, would drop in carefully planned and strategically placed compliments along the way, just to test the water. Long story short, post-process, we still talked from time to time, and ultimately we agreed to go out, and it turned out that actually, she had been manipulating me and had been carefully planning how to get me to go out with her!


Well folks, this sent my patterns into absolute overdrive. Moonshine Thunderbeam and I had a good old flirtatious time, and I ended up leaving her flat nigh on 5am. Perhaps I should mention that we didn’t have ‘the sex’, but we might as well have done. Sex with no feeling is just mutual masturbation anyway.


Anyway, in the past couple of weeks, I have been going through a period of change, as evident in yesterday’s entry where I decided to swear off all the activities and mindset you have just read about. (And, I have to confess, Moonshine Thunderbeam has been driving me FUCKING CRAZY. Being on the phone to her is sort of like being on the phone to a stand up comedian who can only relate through his or her routine. I might like her more if I knew the first thing about her, but that’s completely impossible.)


Ironically, tonight I am supposed to be seeing her again – at a comedy club – her suggestion – what fine juxtaposition! And I am absolutely wracking my brains for how to cancel.


Now I know what some of you are thinking – ah, but you liked her enough to try and play hide the sausage, right? And yes, you’re right. I did. I have to accept responsibility for that. And that in itself is one of the main reasons I want to cancel. (And she keeps calling me ‘babe’ and ‘hon’ – it really pisses me off!)


I know what my patterns are like. I know, and have spent some time working to recognise, when that little bit at the back of my brain sparks into life, and I begin to act in a manner most unbecoming; and I know, or at least feel, that it could once again happen tonight. Moonshine Thunderbeam likes me – she must do, or she wouldn’t be badgering me for another date of Super David Sexy Fun Time. I know that if we go out, it’s going to be all too easy, or she’ll make (yet) another joke about this all ‘being part of her plan’, or I’ll notice that other than being incredibly annoying, she’s actually very attractive, and I’ll be on here tomorrow morning, blogging away about my regret and sorrow and anger at myself for once again acting like a schmuck.


So, cancelling my date this evening may look on the surface like a selfish act of a selfish man, trying to wriggle out of a situation he created by making someone think he liked her, just to have his way with her, and, to a degree, I suppose it is. But this one is for me. I can’t just keep acting in the way I was, and allowing these patterns to continue to run riot. I would have wasted a trip to Starbucks and a rather long blog entry if I did, if nothing else.


What do you think? Do I sound like an arsehole? Or someone who has turned over a new leaf?


One date I will be keeping this week for sure is Thursday, where I will make my merry old way to West/East Sussex (I can never remember which, thank all that is holy for sat-navs) and Florence House, the scene of my Hoffman Process.


This time I will be there as a returning graduate – someone who visits the group to reassure them that life outside the walls of great change is not going to once again turn them into the people they were, and the people they now realise they were actually not. (Does that make sense? Possibly not. Anyway, fuck it.)


I am almost shaking with excitement. I have been thinking about what I’ll say – will I say ‘yeah, the real work starts now’? Or perhaps ‘Life is better. There’s a few hiccups along the way, but it’s so much better’? I can’t help but view it as a great responsibility; I mean, these people are probably at a stage right now, as so many of us were, where they are anxious about the outside world, but equally eager to test themselves  in it. They’re probably making the same nervous jokes about the changes they’ve made, or speculating how their parents and friends are going to say things like ‘Oh Steven’s gone mental again,’ And they’ll be looking at me, and whoever else is there, to allay these fears and tell them its all going to be ok.


Tomorrow’s blog is going to be a complete review of my answer. Some time ago, I wrote a mammoth review of what had finished since I left Florence House, but this will be different. I’ve always maintained this blog is for me, and tomorrow’s entry is going to be me externalising all the change, so that I am prepared to aptly answer any questions people may have. It might be a long one, so I don’t know… you might want to bring some tea.


Well, that’s it for today, folks. I hope you’ve enjoyed your visit to my blog today, and I leave you with news that yesterday, I took the first, tentative steps into yet another new stage of life by updating my CV, and applying for a job as, as they call it: Fundraising Executive, Corporate Partnerships Team. Which, in essence, is a fancy way of saying ‘charming companies into giving money to charities’ – with a bit of account management thrown in. Sounds about perfect for me.


So, until tomorrow,

Closed Box


3 Responses to “Warning: Explict Content Which Makes Me Sound Like A Douchebag”

  1. Neil Manchester Says:

    Firstly, you don’t sound like an arsehole, you know what needs to change, and can do something about it.

    Secondly, please check out east or west sussex before setting off for Florence House, at least that way you’ll get there by closure..

    Thirdly, go easy on the young graduates- all that positive transference would make for easy pickings!

  2. posteret Says:

    I agree, you don’t sound like an arsehole.
    If I liked a man enough to be trying to get him to date me then I would rather he cancel our date while he got his head together, Then possibly he might come back a little way in the future for a proper date that might lead somewhere good. Better that than have him come for the date, be all weird, sleep with me and then never call me again as he realised it was too soon or just a full on mistake.

    If she likes you that much she will accept the cancellation in good grace and be fine to wait a bit for you. If she won’t do that then she only superficially likes you anyway – so she’s no big loss.

  3. I don’t think you’re a jerk for canceling your date. You seem to really feel like that is the best thing to do and I say go with your gut!

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