The Not Happening

September 24, 2008

My apologies for the lack of entry yesterday – ever get those days when you’re just not in the mood for anything? Well, that’s kinda how I felt all day yesterday. I did give a go, though, but just couldn’t muster anything worth publishing…

 

Perhaps I was still recovering from seeing ‘The Happening’, a movie by one of my favourite directors, M. Night Shyamalan, who is perhaps better known as the director of ‘The Sixth Sense’ or ‘Signs’. Anyway, any movie where the twist is ‘the plants did it’ can only be complete and utter bullshit. And it was.

 

Today, I am in a better mood, possibly because I have just found out that one of my favourite films, American Psycho, is about to be turned into a stage musical. I’ll be first in the queue for that one.

 

I’ve been wrestling with a decision these last few weeks, and I think the time has come to pour my heart out here, and see if it helps me come to a conclusion.

 

I have to plan for the next four years. Yes, that may sound ultra-organised, but being that I have had to slightly modify my original plan of going off to run a charity, my plan to be working until such a time when I have completed my degree in Psychology has to be modified somewhat.

 

Unfortunately, this decision needs to be made sooner rather than later, as my current work contract runs out in April 2009, with no chance of renewal – the government agency I work for is being closed, rather than me being a shitty worker.

 

The question I am throwing around in my mind is this – do I use this time to explore something I love, or do I take the money and run? To explain a little better, my conundrum is this: for the next four years, should I press ahead with my original plan, which was to work for a charity, or do I do a job ‘just for the money’?

 

I have done the ‘just for the money’ thing before, and ended up hating it and myself pretty quickly; but this is a new David, a  more resilient David, and one perhaps more conditioned to separating the ideas of the workplace from the other areas of his life.

 

I am about to enter into a massive challenge – that of four years of dedicated education, a realisation of myself, and something I am massively nervous about. I have never been able to study before, always totally afraid of any sort of judgement – success OR failure – but I have decided myself to do this, based on the vision I have of my future life. Finally, I can see who I am, and what I want.

 

But to combine that with the stress of doing a job I would more than likely have no interest in… well, while I recognise that it is probably the smart option, is the smart option for me? Could I cope with both? Could I cope with the failure of both? Could I cope with the possible success of both? Am I just nervous because of the great levels of change? That old pattern of wanting to remain ‘in my comfort zone’, maybe that is the dominant one right now. There are, after all, a number of changes going on right now – with work, with my living situation, with my studies, and still, within me.

 

Right now, I just don’t know. And the clock is ticking.

 

On the plus side, yesterday, I had a real moment of true enlightenment. Worried about all these things at the end of yet another crappy work day, – damn you, Labour conference! – I realised that there was a light still inside of me, and that it burned brightly, with truth and purity. I am of this light, and it is this hope, this truth, which is mine to turn to in times such as these. It just came to me – in no moment of real reflection or anything – it just snuck up on me when I got off the tube, and was walking to my car.

 

I am in the light, and of the light. Repeat ad nauseum.

 

On the flip side, I could view all this change as a chance, and, as I told someone yesterday in the strongest of terms, your true desires become apparent when opportunity strikes.

 

Maybe, these feelings of confusion are my old dark side propping up, telling me that actually, I quite like ‘swimming in the shit’, as our old friend Simon would say, and should remain forever treading the waters of the status quo. I need to overcome this reluctance and embrace the possibilities in front of me. I need to break free of these chains of apathy.

 

The path to true self love is a difficult one. When you have spent us much time as I have running from the truth, lying to yourself, or plain acting out a character, even the most pedestrian of emotions – happiness, sadness, confusion, and even true attraction and the enjoyment of sex – become brand new experiences. Outwardly, we know what they are, and have seen enough of it to know how to act like we’re doing it, but really experiencing it can be confusing, and worse, scary.

 

And so, readers, I am making choices, and for the first time, they are based in a true connection with myself. For the first time, I can answer ‘David, who are you?’, and it is time for the window dressing to reflect that.

 

I hope your days are filled with light,

Closed Box

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4 Responses to “The Not Happening”

  1. Vita Says:

    what did you think about “The Happening”?

  2. David Levy Says:

    ”Anyway, any movie where the twist is ‘the plants did it’ can only be complete and utter bullshit. And it was.”

  3. Dom Says:

    This is a tough one that I know very well. I may well be (or maybe I am already) in this situation very soon and I guess I would like to think I would approach it like this although I fully appreciate it takes a lot of work and strength to make a decision in this way:

    If both jobs paid enough to put food on the table and keep the wolf from the door, which one would you go for? Of course, if it’s a close match and one pays 10 times better then fair enough. However, knowing you, you can make a success of whichever way you choose which makes money the low consideration that it should be.

    I myself struggle with the God of money more than most. I know that having money is a cover for not feeling self-worth and I try to work on this as often as I can. One thing I cling to is the fact that my happiest times have, without exception, been when I have been financially very poor.

    I do care about money, but money can’t buy me love, self-love or a belly full of laughs. It may seem like jobs and chances will only come around once but, as you know deep down, that is simply not true. Also, compromise is not a dirty word. Compromise is easier to do when one is working from a clean mental slate. It then hopefully becomes easier to actually enjoy that ‘compromise’ part as it becomes very much part of the process to success!

    Hope this helps and don’t forget that I can only say these things because I see it all in myself.

    See you Saturday!

  4. Mike Says:

    I’m also looking at the same question and it’s not easy balancing the need for financial security with the need to do something you love.

    On the one hand, it’s easy to say ‘do the thing you love at all costs’ but this may well lead to a lot of compromises elsewhere, which all distract you from enjoying whatever it is you love.

    On the other, we all know that working ‘for the money’ is ultimately soul-destroying although the security does give you the ability to make other decisions.

    I think one answer is to be aware of what you’re doing and why you’re doing it, but not to feel guilty or envious.

    If you’re a merchant banker and like the cash, that’s your business. If you’re a struggling artist, likewise.

    As long as you’re happy.


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