Rated 18 for Excessive Use of the Word ‘Fuck’

October 1, 2008

Or possibly not. I tend to title these things before I write them. So I might not use the word ‘fuck’ at all. Except perhaps in the title, and right there.


I will, however, probably use ‘shit’. But not ‘balls’, despite it being my most favourite of words, aside from the uniquely British ‘sod’, and ‘bollocks’.


Right, so why am I posting twice in a day? Do you care? Probably not, in fairness, but returning twice in one day normally means either (a) I am really bored, (b) something great/terrible has happened, or (c) I have suddenly found myself feeling a certain way, and don’t get why.


This is a case of (c).


It all started innocently enough – for once – I had been speaking to a friend of mine about coming to my birthday.


No wait… I need to recap something first.


I was seeing someone until… roughly… mid July. We had a pretty intense, but ultimately flawed relationship, and we broke up because she had decided to return to Jersey, where she was originally from, and go travelling to America. (There’s some blog entries in here about it somewhere)


Knowing there was to be such distance between us, I guess the break up became much easier. She indeed returned to Jersey, and, as I type, is somewhere on the west coast of the United States.


So anyway, back to where we were. I’d been speaking to my friend about my birthday, when she says, ‘I’d agreed to go to your ex-girlfriend’s birthday dinner that night, as she is in London that weekend. I’ll come to yours afterwards.’ Or words to that effect.


I am in no way angry at her, or anything like that, but what she said set me off. Suddenly, this girl I had been able to put to the back of my mind, this girl from whom I was separated by sea and/or great distance would be on my doorstep, and we would be separated by nothing more than walking distance, celebrating, but apart.


And I feel as though someone has knotted up my insides. Perhaps this is the fall-out of the relationship I should have felt, but didn’t, at the time.


Fuck. Shit. And, indeed, bollocks.


5 Responses to “Rated 18 for Excessive Use of the Word ‘Fuck’”

  1. Gemma Says:

    I am sorry if you are at all upset with me. It did cross my mind to say that I have another arrangement and would come to your party after dinner but not specify what those plans were. However, I thought that post process you would much prefer it if I was totally upfront about the fact that I want to go to both parties.

    I am sorry that it has led to you feeling rubbish.

  2. Gemma Says:

    ps – I do think that I would like to point out that she was my friend before she was your “ex-girlfriend”. Its not like she is some random ex girlfriend of yours that I chose to befriend.

    Anyway I hope the retail therapy helps babe – I never meant you to feel bad x

  3. Powerless and Afraid(less so) Says:

    Cheers for the comment. At least i know i have at least one reader. But anyohow i enjoy the process of writing and as long as i remain honest it is a good way to check in with myself.

    Yes certainly was a result. One that i am immensely greatful for.

    Got some work still to do but im comfortable with this fact. I did not meet one person on the course that had experienced any epipthanies (not sure how to spell that word), more a gradual and steady journey towards self love. Well this is going to be my experience anyhow.

    I am more open to the possibility of going to closure. January sounds like a good date to aim for. In fact i will put it in my vision!

  4. […] Key Post Timeline Rated 18 for Excessive Use of the Word ‘Fuck’ […]

  5. posteret Says:

    That is shit. It is the sort of occurrence that messes with my head for days. I think when a relationship ends due to circumstances it can be much harder to totally “let go” as the relationship didn’t actually end in a usual manner, ie deep “it’s not you, it’s me” talks or blazing rows etc.
    That’s my excuse for still being head-fucked by a certain person a decade later anyway!

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