Spirograph Boy

October 2, 2008

I guess your appreciation of that title depends on you knowing what Spirographs actually were. If you don’t, click here.

 

Then, hopefully, you’ll be able to see that by referring to myself as ‘Spirograph Boy’, I am drawing attention to the fact that I am talk about ‘patterns’. See what I did there? No? Oh well.

 

I should probably start by explaining my rushed entry yesterday:  Rated 18 For Excessive Use Of The Word Fuck.

 

I honestly don’t know what pattern I was going through there at the time of writing. Perhaps obsession? Jealousy? I just know that knowing she was going to be in London, doing the same thing as I was, at the same time, as I once thought maybe we could do, set something off inside me which took quite some time to calm down.

 

I think, though, recognising this, and then allowing thoughts like ‘oh, this is all I need on the day I start my degree’ to come into my head only made it worse. In the end, I went out at lunchtime, braved London’s Oxford Street, and bought myself a jumper (or ‘sweater’ for my American readers) which temporarily cheered me up. And some socks, because I was having a bit of a sock disaster.

 

But I was still ‘restless’ most of the afternoon. Anyway, it’s Lucy’s birthday today, so last night I sent her a quick Facebook message to say happy birthday, and, on the off chance she’s still a reader here, Happy Birthday Lucy.

 

Once the work afternoon  had spluttered itself to conclusion, I had 3 hours to kill before the start of the first of two university courses – ‘Foundations Of Modern Psychology’. I was pretty nervous, in truth, but I recognised that much of that was (a) residual Lucy weirdness, and (b) the pressure I was putting on myself to change, and to succeed.

 

I decided to once again indulge in some retail therapy before heading off to Kings Cross, where the school/university was based. After buying another jumper/sweater (hey, winter is coming!) and a belt – the one I was wearing didn’t match, and it was annoying me – I decided to see if I could find the place before having something to eat close by.

 

Basically, I got lost. Half an hour after getting off the train at Kings Cross, and after asking about 300 people for directions, I found myself standing outside the building – roughly 5 minutes away from where I started. After grabbing something to eat, I wandered back to Starbucks, bought myself some tea, and made my way to class.

 

I was there early – not that surprising since I had left work 3 hours earlier – and this gave me time to introduce myself to my teacher, Michael, and to ask the many (many) questions I had rolling around in my head. By the time other people started to arrive, most of what I wanted to know had been answered, and I had noticed that every time he meant to say ‘you’, he said ‘yous’, as in ‘yous will find out’.

 

In my own little immature way, I found that highly amusing.

 

Unfortunately, that was the last thing I found amusing last night, and, if I hadn’t been as self-aware as I am, I think I’d not have caught myself going into a bit of a black hole the way I was.

 

My class is mostly made up of women – there are 3 guys in our class of 21 – and they comprise a 40-something Romanian lesbian with bright red hair, a 30-something Canadian lady, and a veritable smorgasbord of stock brokers, bankers, personal assistants, and others.

 

I had concerns. I had concerns about how I was going to relate to people in the class. Those reading may remember a certain person, a certain late arrival, a certain way I was when I first introduced myself in the circle, and the way that translated. I too hated that. It’s me – I am ‘occasionally’ loud and outgoing – but that day it was coming from a very nervous energy place, and not from anywhere authentic. I knew those in the class wouldn’t know the difference if I was being the former, or going through that pattern, but I knew I would.

 

So then, disaster struck. Someone attractive walked in, and then sat right next to me. And then another, who decided to sit on the OTHER SIDE OF ME! Bah! Pattern overdrive! Spirograph Boy! I went from concentrating to class clown in a heartbeat. And when, about an hour later, I finally caught myself before it was too late, I had to fight the disappointment in myself.

 

There were some elements that remained of my old self, but, in the majority, I was a lot better. When I didn’t know the answer to something, I listened (this is new) to other people’s opinion, didn’t immediately resent them or feel insecure about myself for not knowing. (Also new) When I felt like I had something constructive to add to a debate, I offered my thoughts, and if they were wrong or slightly wide of the mark, I didn’t feel like a failure, and it didn’t discourage me from asking a question, or offering a slightly modified thought. (This is most certainly new)

 

I finally left class at 9pm, slightly uneasy that I had been flirting with someone when I should have been concentrating on my FUCKING FUTURE FOR FUCKS SAKE! (Sorry, I have some work to do on some anger I have in that situation)

 

But, I feel good. The workload appears manageable, and I feel as though I am on my way to a real learning experience – and that most certainly will be new.

 

I got home at 10, took a shower, answered some emails and flicked about on the internet for a bit, and then settled down to a (slightly restless) night’s sleep.

 

Today, I have brought my laptop with me, and rather than be conscious that I am seeking to fill a hole in my life, or to hide/disguise an emotion in my 3 hour gap until my other new class this evening – ‘Biological Basis of Behaviour’ – I’ll be doing some of the groundwork I so very badly need to do.

 

Well, that’ll do for today. There’s some more stuff I want to talk about, but I’ll save it for another day.

 

Until tomorrow then.

 

All my love,

Spirograph Boy.

 

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