Pre-Ordained. (The Day of Atonement)

October 8, 2008

My apologies for the lack of entry yesterday, readers. The reasons for this will become clear.

 

I have met someone. Whether or not my intentions are romantic or not – though there are certainly elements of that – remain to be seen. But I genuinely believe I was meant to meet this person.

 

If you’d have asked me four months ago if I was a believer in fate, I would have given you a resolute ‘no’ answer. Still, today, I am somewhat ambiguous on the idea, but I do feel that certain things in my life were meant to happen.

 

I was supposed to have a life journey that has taken me to so many ups and downs. (And even the occasional sideways) I was supposed to have a journey of self-discovery, so that the good qualities I possess could shine their brightest. I was supposed to meet my old therapist. I was supposed to be cleansed in the way I was.

 

And, somehow, I was supposed to meet DR. It’s not a love at first sight or anything like that, in fact, our emerging ‘relationship’ is on a very new and previously unexplored terrain – total, naked honesty. Within moments of meeting DR, I felt like she was an old friend, and, in the last two nights, I have not been to bed before 1.30am such is the lengths of our conversations.

 

In telling DR about my Hoffman Process, and the journey I have undertaken, I have opened the floodgates the beginnings of her own journey; a tale much like those I know all too well. Having spoken to her – and, I stress, being very conscious of appearing to be a salesperson or PR spokesman for the course, which I most certainly do not want to be – she is now aware of the process, and has a desire to explore further.

 

I feel… humbled. Emotional. Tired. I feel a great weight of responsibility – like I have created an opening, a sign of hope, and having been asked to attend the November 4th open day in Regent’s Park College with her, that I have been asked to guide her and hold her hand through a stage of the process I never experienced – those delicate, terrifying moments when you start to realise you are not alone, and you take baby steps towards the beginnings of owning your own true, authentic self.

 

I left the process with an urge to give back – initially, I begged the Hoffman office to let me set up a bursary fund for people that could not afford to do what I had just done. Then, I toyed with the idea of becoming a Hoffman teacher. I went to Closure – partly for me, but mostly because I wanted to provide relief for anyone sitting in a room, terrified of the future, and returning to the real world.

 

This quality I discovered after years of introspection and selfishness, and the subsequent total turnaround I experienced. I discovered in myself a self-replenishing desire to give back to people, and, as people who read this blog with any sort of regularity will know, I am now studying with the aim of becoming a counsellor.

 

Perhaps, after such little sleep and so much talking over the last two days, I have lost the ability to truly explain myself. But I feel as though I have given someone the gift of life, and uncovered a little bit more light in myself.

 

Tomorrow is the Jewish Day of Atonement – Yom Kippur – a day when Jews across the world gather in homes and synagogues to think and reflect on the bad things they have done in the year previous, and ask for forgiveness.

 

For the first time in my life, I feel like partaking.  I will not be in a synagogue, nor will I be fasting for the day (you’re supposed to) but I will be certainly taking moments of internal reflection to think about the events of my last year – where I have been, where I am, and where I am going. Jews, through prayer, will be asking for forgiveness and to be resolved of their sins. I will be forgiving myself; not all day, but if you look really hard, at some point in the day, you might find me in the corner with my eyes closed, taking a good look at myself.

 

I expect I’ll be smiling.

 

Until Friday, readers, I leave you with my wishes for a wonderful two days. Though you yourselves may not be Jewish, the gift of self-forgiveness is a truly wonderful one, and I encourage you to occasionally give yourself a break from the blame we all lay upon ourselves sometimes. We are just human beings, acting in human ways.

 

My love to you all,

Closed Box

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2 Responses to “Pre-Ordained. (The Day of Atonement)”

  1. Neil Manchester Says:

    Very Poor Atonement Joke:

    A Priest and a Rabbi are sat beside each other in a plane, and after a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you do not eat pork?”

    The Rabbi responds, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”

    The Priest then asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

    The Rabbi replies, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork.”

    The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

    The Priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

    The Rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

    The Priest replied, “Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”

    The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, “A fuckavalot better than pork isn’t it?”

  2. posteret Says:

    Great post! I am a firm belief in fate or pre-destination, too many things happen that people shrug off as coincidence. I hope you have had a good day of reflection and that things go well with your new friend.

    Very funny joke Neil, I actually sniggered (in a very unladylike manner)!


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