Keep Your Head

October 31, 2008

Shazzam Bitches!

 

And welcome to ‘Back and to the Future’, the blog that wallows in self loathing, only to cry while masturbating until it’s all ok.

 

I’m your host Closed Box, and let me set the tone for today’s entry, as I attempt to recall the last 24 hours, and maybe preview what is to come.

 

It was fucked.

 

I guess sometimes you are the pigeon, and sometimes, you’re the statue – and yesterday was National Statue Day, and I was the mayor of Statuetown.

 

I’ve been feeling uneasy all week. Perhaps even longer than that. I’ve not been myself – I’ve been putting myself under huge pressure at work, at home, and truthfully, in aspects of my life. I’ve not dealt with it, and, yesterday, I went into an uncontrollable spiral that led to me sitting in my class last night (as we Brits say) pissed as a fart. A more commonly known term might be ‘shitfaced’.

 

Now here’s a revelation – I’m going to say something negative about the process I did: on days like yesterday, what it gave me was torture.

 

I am at this point more than aware that occasionally, I have no control over my behaviour. And, in the post-process times (which are thankfully limited) that I have ‘lost it’ a bit, I’ve just sort of gone for the ride, and let it play out, knowing fighting only makes it worse. But the problem is – I’m almost TOO self aware. I can be going through my most hated of patterns, and instead of blindly panicking about why I feel a certain way, or wrapping myself in guilt, my inner monologue spends its entire time evaluating:

 

‘You’re doing this’

‘You’re feeling like this because…’

‘This is the pattern you’re going through’

 

And it is complete and utter torture.

 

And so, I turned up for class drunk at 7pm, really feeling quite sorry for myself, and coming off the back of a pretty shitty day. I feel bad about it, (the day) sure, but in a self-punishing sort of way, I actually feel glad that it all came to a head. Looking back at my blog entries this week, I’ve not been myself, and I really don’t want to do that old thing of bottling stuff up, and swallowing it down.

 

But, strangely – and please don’t think me in any way condoning heavy drinking – there was a point yesterday, when I was sitting in Café Rouge eating a chicken salad and drinking yet another beer, when I have felt more in touch with my emotions than I have at any other time since I was in Florence House. If you’d have asked me, I could have cried no problem, and if there was a purple pillow around… well, forget about it. (Only a few of you might get that reference)

 

I got home about ten, sober but a little woozy and weary, and climbed into bed. Oh, and for the first time in about 5 years, I was absolutely DESPERATE for a cigarette.

 

So, it’s Friday, and another weekend rolls around. No doubt, mine will be spent trying (and getting frustrated with) University work, pretending not to be interested in the X-Factor results, and going out with Alex, which I am, for the 3rd time, on Sunday. I am loathed to call it a ‘3rd date’, though. At this point, I think its just people who want to see each other.

 

So, I shall leave you for the week with a great weekend tune – and one with a fitting title.

 

I hope you enjoy it – ‘Keep Your Head’ by The Ting Tings

Lots of love,

Closed Box

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