The Greeks Invented It You Know

November 27, 2008

It’s not easy being awesome, let me tell you. Sometimes, the pressure of being as absolutely awesome as I am can get to you. Sometimes, people react to your awesomeness in adverse ways. Same thing with being a Jew, or, as I like to call them ‘the rest of you heathens are fucked’.


This morning, I get on the tube (The London Underground) at the usual time – about 7.15am – take a seat in the same sort of area as normal, and start watching Seinfeld on my iPod. All the usual suspects are there – fat guy who’s that kind of fat where its not a glandular thing he just eats too much cake, Jewish girl who uses her boobs and a short skirt to deflect from the fact that she applies her make up with a shovel, old guy with a comb-over, and the couple with the baby in a pram who know everyone is pissed off at them for taking up so much fucking space. So I’m watching Seinfeld as you do, ‘what’s the deal with chicken?’, yes, very funny, ‘you know where we are now? We’re out. This is what ‘out’ is.’ Very amusing. And then, about 2 stops in, as tends to happen, someone takes the seat next to me.


I shower every morning. For once, I am clean shaven, and, as such, I have applied the tiniest amount of aftershave, (to soothe the skin and so I smell good) which I deliberately chose to compliment my honey oak and vanilla shower gel and neutral deodorant. All my clothes are clean – I am wearing freshly washed jeans, a brand new and never worn (just back from the dry cleaners) black shirt, and a grey suit jacket. Yeah, I dressed up a bit because I’m meeting JL. Eat me.


So the gap between stops is about 2 or 3 minutes, and while I’m watching Kramer sliding all over the place, and the light reflecting from George’s head, I notice this woman occasionally looking at me, and then looking at her paper again. She’s reading the ‘Metro’, which is this free morning paper they give out in London, which is the reading equivalent to being arse raped by a bear. Anyway, she’s reading about this Iranian or Egyptian or something foreign dude who is complaining because he signed up to some joke text message service and received a racist joke. Big fucking whoop. No-one mentions that he’s unemployed but HAS A FUCKING IPHONE. Anyway, he’s clearly a douche.


The train pulls into the next stop, and this woman takes one last quick glance at me, and then GETS UP, WALKS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TRAIN, AND SITS DOWN. And so I’m just like ‘what the fuck?’ It wasn’t a clearer area of the train, and she sat down between two other people. But then it hits me.


Secret Nazis.


Secret Nazis are everywhere – in your schools and supermarkets and even in your workplace. You might be sitting next to one right now. They meet predominantly at night, where they being each gathering with a chant of ‘Ich werde nie einen jüdischen Buchhalter einstellen’, which literally translates as ‘I will never hire a Jewish accountant’. Which, as we all know, is a lie. ALL accountants are Jewish.


They then pass around pictures of Hitler, and spend time either playing backgammon or fashioning ninja stars in the shape of a swastika. True story. I saw it on the news. Oh, and they wear yellow and collect pigeons and smell like potato.


Aside from the secret Nazi who deeply offended and confused me by moving this morning, today is a momentous day, and not just because I have a freshly shorn scrotum. No, today marks the first occasion I finally worked it all out. My final solution. (Damn you, Nazis!)


‘The Morning Bag Conundrum’


The ‘bag’ is a difficult obstacle for a man to negotiate – either you end up looking like a student or you look like a woman. Either way, there’s no ‘manly’ way to go about carrying a bag. You can carry a laptop bag, certainly, but laptops are an exception to the rule, mainly because if you’re ferrying a laptop around so often that it facilitates buying a dedicated bag, you need to re-examine your life. And people that work on laptops on the tube? Don’t get me started.


For a while, I carried all my papers and textbooks for classes in a rucksack, which meant I had to dress appropriately. Out went my classy awesomeness, and in came Wayne’s World-esque flannel shirts, converse all stars, and a corduroy jacket I borrowed from 1984. However, at 29, instead of looking ‘hip’, I looked like a fucking moron manchild, which isn’t going to help as I signal to women on the train that I love them and want to marry them in morse code through eye movements. On second thoughts, that might not be the best idea – might look a little crazy.


The thing is, I still have shit to carry. So, leather man bags? Too gay. Rucksacks or just carrying papers in a haphazard manner, covered in tea stains and with the corners curled over? Not gay enough. But fear not, resolution has been reached. Document wallets – The perfect halfway house between gay and not gay enough. Which I shall call ‘straight’.


Anyway, I’ve clearly gone insane, so I’m going to leave you for the day.


All the love in the world, except to secret Nazis


Closed Box


8 Responses to “The Greeks Invented It You Know”

  1. posteret Says:

    I love being a woman.

    I own 40+ bags (my husband knows about approximately 20…) a bag for every possible occasion and no judgement on me for using them.

    Yes, my name is Posteret and I have a bag and shoe fetish!

    Woman on train – maybe she has a super-sensitive sense of smell? Maybe she was weak from desire because you smelt so good?
    Or… be honest now.. did you trump?

  2. posteret Says:

    *smelled* so good – I mean, obviously!

  3. David Levy Says:

    Secret Nazi. I’m telling you.

    I have since tested my body odour on 5 people from work, and responses have ranged from ‘i’m not fucking smelling you’ to ‘leave me alone’ to ‘alright, yeah’

  4. Gemma Says:

    Maybe your headphones were too loud (by accident of course..)

  5. Mike Says:

    I liked the Brett Easton Ellis parody – very amusing!

    But document wallets – sorry, no. Gay as a lorry.

    A grown-up rucsac is the answer. And no, that does not include ;Oakley’ or ‘Superdry’ (wtf?).

  6. David Levy Says:

    I am SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO happy SOMEONE out there got that I was parodying American Psycho. Mike, you win 5 gold stars.

    But no. Grown up rucsacs are not the answer.

  7. Dominic Says:

    ‘I looked like a fucking moron manchild’

    Yes, I can personally atest to the fact that this is in fact the exact outcome…. …. …. I really need to do something about that….

  8. Michael Tim Says:

    I love your site!

    Experiencing a slow PC recently? Fix it now!

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